To the Fatherless
a native of Little Rock, AR
To Those Who Are Fatherless,
I was named after my father, for the most part, but I was granted the privilege of having a different middle name. This is a privilege I am grateful for. So, Raymond Omar Long is an introduction I insist upon. From the outside looking in, people could describe this insistence of mine as the behavior of someone who is full of himself. In reality, the insistence is a cry for separation, from the rather infamous reputation my father has earned in this world.
My father has been a source of love that I needed, a very poor role model to look up to, and at times completely absent at critical times in my life. I’ve reflected upon my roller coaster childhood experience with my father through the lens of many different emotions. I want anyone who is experiencing fatherlessness to know that I feel your pain and I can relate to every emotion that you feel. The sadness, the resentment, the anger, the regret, etc.… but there is one feeling that I want you to be very careful about dwelling in and that is… BLAME
Blame is a feeling you should process quickly and fight against every time it arises. The blaming of yourself or your father will only make you feel worse because you are blaming two individuals who in reality might have little control over the situation.
I now live by the following phrase. Tony Robbins said, “If you’re going to blame then you need to start blaming intelligently.”
I immediately thought to myself Blame Intelligently?! What exactly does he mean? That sounds ridiculous. He went on to explain how all of the negative and positive experiences in our life make up who we are and If we love ourselves then, at some point, you have to love all the experiences that make up what you have or will become. The reality of this message will allow you to release some of the resentment you might hold in your heart. Blaming was my number one way to escape the responsibility of my life. Blaming had me a point where I could not get anything accomplished because so much energy was going into talking myself out of going for great things because of the stigma associated with fatherlessness. We should all take time to understand the concept of how all of our experiences make up who we are, before we pass judgment on ourselves or even our fathers.
If we begin to peel back the… LAYERS of one’s life, then true forgiveness can be birthed, allowing us to move on. I was in the middle of my “blaming 20’s”, I call them, when I sat down with my father’s brother and he shared with me some disturbing things about my father’s childhood. All of a sudden the drug and alcohol abuse made sense. Alcohol and drugs were the only escape my father knew for the majority of his life, before finally, someone introduced a better alternative. The negative consequences of drug addiction and alcoholism had already revealed themselves, hurting him and those who loved him.
I started to ask more questions and peel back more layers and all of a sudden I started to understand even more about the man I had been resenting. It does not take away the pain I endured or excuse behaviors but it allows me to view things in a different light. Freeing me of blaming my father or myself. Once I freed myself from the blame, I was then free to remove the… LABELS
Fatherlessness has a negative stigma associated with it. If you’re not careful, you might start to believe you are not capable of greatness. You will find yourself settling for less than what you have the potential to become, which is a cardinal sin against one’s self in my book. Your father’s mistakes do not determine what you will become in life. Please do not give any individual that much power over your life. Make a decision to rise above the stigma- go into the world and play, full out.
Every negative event can yield positive results if we are determined to make it work for our good someway.
I am not naïve to the fact that fathers do have special superpowers when it comes to the development of the children they create. If your father has neglected that responsibility, you now have the responsibility to find the guidance you long for. This guidance is available through MENTORING organizations. There are boys and girls clubs, churches, and many individuals ready to teach someone who will ask.
Going back to what Tony Robbins said, all the negative and positive experiences in our life make up who we are and if we love ourselves then, at some point, you have to love all the experiences that make up what you have or will become. So my fatherlessness growing up, the fact we lived in poverty, & the positive mentors I found along the way, they all contributed to who I am today. You know what else? It’s totally up to me how positive and good, I want the middle and end of my story to play out.
Fatherlessness does not make us who we are. We show fatherlessness who we are.
With all my best,
Future Award Winning Father